Circumstances show up in our lives that warrant attention. Below are a few we must keep in check. After each entry here, go to the following page 'Healing Prayers' for it's aligned prayer
There are too many loved ones who refuse to get to the root of their pain and choose to suffer in silence due to pride. What does pride sound like?
I've witnessed the destruction of our souls when we neglect to ask God, what's the most effective method to our healing? Notice God healed blindness differently for each account:
There's no cookie-cutter or one method fits all for healing; there was a specific way. What is yours? Why hold on to sores of sexual abuse when your soul is destined to prosper? Let go of the nightmares and triggers that bind you. STOP BURYING YOUR HURT!
Why don't we seek God for the specific method of healing for our sexual abuse trauma? Will you be like Naaman who refused to go to Jordan and be healed of his leprosy until his servant bid him to go? His pride almost blocked his healing. (Read 2 Kings 5)
In verses 11 & 12 Naaman perceived what he thought should have been the better method and better rivers to dip in. Yet who are we when in need, to reject 'the way' ordained by God that will work? What if God wants you to go to group or one-on-one therapy or write your pain out in a journal? (If He wants you to pursue therapy, make sure you follow His lead to the right therapist; not every professional is a good fit.) Just don't let your soul rot from the pains of your past by sitting with your pride.
There are quite a number of us who has 'taken it to the Lord in prayer' but did we take the time to listen for His answer? The point is, yes, prayer is good, yet prayer-talking to God without listening is pointless. Question is . . . do we truly know how He speaks to us? That's a topic for another day. Truth is, everyone mentioned above allowed God to have His way, are you standing in your way? God won't force you to heal.
Why do you think God asked, "Do you want to be made whole?" Self-check: Is your pride and disobedience blocking your healing? When you don't like the method or it becomes hard, do you give up? Are you comfortable with your brokenness by allowing others to cater to you emotionally? Do you enjoy the benefits of being a victim? I beg you, pursue your healing and let go of your pride. Seek God, listen, then do whatever He requires of you to become whole!
Are your relationships blocked due to your thoughts of insecurity?
Do you find that you are dominantly reacting from a place of anger?
Is your countenance plagued with being broken?
How do we handle the feelings attached to the survival of sexual abuse? We have come out of it's physical endurance but what about the aftermath of fear, mistrust, bitterness and depression? The struggle to become normal after abusive encounters requires a resilience to recognize and react!
Sitting still with an arresting emotion is not conducive. There are days we just don't want to get out of bed; the quest to conduct a daily routine is too much. However, think about the benefits of living with these emotions, what are they? How does living with doubt, anger and depression serve me? Should I continue to accept habits that have no real gain? What results do I have when I shut down? How I react, when I stay in my own way, who suffer those consequences? There are ripple effects with myself and those around me. It is time to change my mind-my perspective and act in a way that will transform my behavior.
Romans 12:2 AMP
And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].
The first requirement is we have to choose to move. Our choices pave ways for different results! When we get a painful trigger, pause, check it, then flip the script. We stop thoughts with spoken words yet nothing happens without work and persistence. Do we get muscles overnight? Of course not, we get them by pressing weight. With every weight we pick up and move, we develop a resistance against it. So, practice flipping your thoughts with spoken words. We reject negative thoughts with positive, spoken words.
The more we consistently press the weight, we acquire a tolerance to resist it, that resistance build our muscles. Instead of staying dormant with painful thoughts, write them out, speak them out loud- release them, work them out. Let's learn to discipline our minds:
(A) Control Our Thoughts- Bring Them Into Submission
2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ
(B) What To Focus On: Our Thoughts Become The Gateway to Our State of Mind-
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things
(C) Speak The Word
Matthew 4:4, 7, 10 When the devil came to tempt Christ in the wilderness, He used The Word to resist the devil each time: 4 But he answered and said, It is written . . . 7 Jesus said unto him, It is written again . . . 10 Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written . . .
Hebrews 4:12 AMP For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Romans 4:17 . . . calleth those things which be not as though they were. You were a victim, now you are in the process of becoming a conqueror. Instead of calling yourself a victim, call yourself a conqueror. Why continue to label yourself with something you're no longer committed to being? Since the word says we are more than conquerors shouldn't we stop calling ourselves victims?
(D) How Do We Keep Our Mind Stable? Strip Off Negative Perspectives & Endure
Hebrews 12:1 NLT . . . let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
After we have disciplined and renewed our mind, after we have perfected using the spoken Word, in our wholeness, let's pursue the purpose God laid out for us to achieve. Stay focused and accomplish your God given purpose! "As long as there is breath there is Purpose." Zaria
When God seeks to save someone or speak a blessing, He usually include the entire bloodline. Joshua 6:22-24 Joshua said to the two men who had spied out the land, “Go into the prostitute’s house and bring her out and all who belong to her, in accordance with your oath to her.” So the young men who had done the spying went in and brought out Rahab, her father and mother, her brothers and sisters and all who belonged to her. They brought out her entire family and put them in a place outside the camp of Israel. Then they burned the whole city and everything in it, but they put the silver and gold and the articles of bronze and iron into the treasury of the Lord’s house. NIV
God is concerned with bloodlines. Whether it is a blessing or a curse, the obedience/disobedience of one affects many. Study His patterns, when He brings judgement or favor, it is associated with all attached. 1 Samuel 15:3 Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys. NIV
Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. Romans 5:18,19 NIV
Christ Himself was obedient to death so we all can be saved. With His suffering, death and resurrection, He corrected the disobedience made in the garden when they ate of the fruit. So when it comes to healing, our concern shouldn't be just to heal ourselves if sexual abuse exist in our linage but ultimately heal our bloodline. First, take care of you. . . check your history for disobedience in your lineage: was there a pedophile or serving of other gods What alignment did someone walk out of? Then, take a moment to reflect on the reoccurring issues that show up in your family. Is there a curse- a consequence of disobedience, a broken boundary? God set a boundary in the garden when He specified which tree they should not eat from. From past generations to current what are the issues that keep crippling the successful progression of your bloodline? There is a consistent threat that must be handled. What is it for you?
When we refuse to take real notice and address the dominant issues in our lives it will always be a threat. It may skip a generation but will, through time, show up with your child or your children's children. What secrets are we holding on to, unwilling to face head on due to embarrassment or pride, stubbornness or laziness? This issue will continue to reap havoc and fester in our souls until it is dealt with.
You cannot conquer what you refuse to confront. There comes a time while in the midst of prayer, a conversation must be had instead of passed down, learned, stagnated behaviors. How did it get that far when we saw cousin 'It' in his 20's looking at 7-year-old-girls? Who refused to check him, or set boundaries for him? Oh, you thought he would grow out of it, now to find during the years he ruined over 20 lives. When do we get tired of the silence where our pain comes out in our dreams, nightmares so vivid we are crying, screaming and kicking in our sleep? Our suffering is causing us to drink until forgetfulness and cut ourselves until the pain of a blade is more tolerable than the pain of our past.
Its time for real communication, first with ourselves. Get the pain out through words. Death and life are in the power of the tongue Proverbs 18:21 yet what happens when our words are stifled? Get a journal and purge your soul, not of what happened but by how you felt. Next, read those words when you have the strength to face to truth, say them out loud either in therapy or alone if that works best for you. Speak out loud the words you were afraid to say, yes, the ones that choked you!!! We free our souls when we release the feelings and words that held us bound as secrets; set them free. Some of us like to keep our journals so we can view our progress, however, if you don't want to keep it feel free to shred it after you've received your release. After you feel a total release, knowing you are free indeed, shred those words and move forward. Learn to live after untying yourself from your pain.
Next, when the opportunity presents itself, communicate with your bloodline and handle the pain together because we can understand each other’s perspective once we get to the root. We share a commonality of how it feels to believe we are filthy due to sexual violations but most importantly, how do we use our time and resources to make sure neither we nor our children no longer contemplate suicide as a way out. Yes, God can fix it, yet what if His method is for you to face it and fix it by communication, let's talk! Don't stay married to your method of coping if you are still in turmoil; bring your family back into alignment. Don't wait to create moments at our death beds to make things right when we can celebrate our lives in healing, solving the issues together instead of surviving in solitude. How is God directing you to purge, heal and protect yourself first, then the bloodline? What issues or spirits need to be checked?
In the back of our minds, we already know the threat exist; we can all witness the struggles we possess, why not face them together? We all have strengths when combined as a unit we can correct, restore and rebuild. Let's do it together now instead of letting the opportunity be buried at yet another funeral. If the pain is too much to handle within your unit, dare to invest in a source who is equipped to handle your trauma.
It is time for the healing of our souls. Stop sweeping mess under the rug, there is no resolution there.
1. Get to the root- speak to your matriarchs, they can bring light to the issues of our past. If that can't be done ask God to reveal it.
2. Find the appropriate method for you and commit to it.
3. Be available and be honest to break the cycles and become whole.
4. After you have done the work, invite your bloodline to get back in alignment and be blessed. Remember it's a choice for them as well so don't force it. Ask God to show you when the time is right.
Watching someone die became one of the most eye-opening seasons of my life. I had learned that my grade school friend Donna, had months to live. There I was sulking over issues, the sexual abuse I've endured, and experiencing a tumultuous relationship with my father. I felt things will never change. After finding out Donna had cancer, one of the first things I did, I called my soul tie and put an end to it.
Jo was the person I designated to learn about physical intimacy. I wasn't whole enough to enter a relationship that warranted emotions and vulnerability yet knew I had to conquer my fear of men. Sure, I was in a relationship with God, but somehow, I felt He was taking too long to heal me.
Donna's battle for her life gave me another perspective. It was the time I spent with her, those moments of gratefulness she had day by day even when her prognosis became bleaker, I looked at myself and felt she deserved the time I have. She valued life more than I, who sat and brooded about my past and did nothing to improve it. In her greatest fear she fought with resilience while I laid with depression. For her, there was no time for frivolous conversations, this was the place of value and true love.
In my struggles of witnessing my friend erode before me, I called Jo only to find his presence annoyed me. This was my time for emotional maturity, and it hit me that Donna would have loved to be in my shoes. I had the nerve to steal and waste moments while she had moments to live. She would have chosen to be healed by any means and to be available to love all around her in the healthiest way possible, simply because it was a choice. I became aware and got angry with myself because I disrespected my choices and wasted time.
I said goodbye to Jo with no regrets in honor of Donna. I got tired of copping out. My last week with her taught me how to circumcise my flesh. I learned how to cut off what doesn't really serve me, nor I it. That time with her showed me my idol. My desire to be with a man was so strong I violated my worth to keep him. I pimped my integrity based on my need. Donna's life gave me a friendship I will always treasure yet it was her dying that offered me a better perspective on living. The quality of my life has to start with different choices while I still have the gift to choose.
What desires have you compromising your worth? What has taken God's place and has become your source? What has monopolized your time and thoughts to where it is an obsession? This is your idol. Is it your need to be loved and wanted? Find a healthy way to fill that void, replace that desire with one that fills your self-worth. You can volunteer your time to a children's hospital and hold an orphan baby once a week. Research healthy ways that bring you joy while you still have the time. Serve something that ignites your interest and make the choice to enjoy life. God thinks you are worth saving, so much so its what He died for, so, take your life back!
I had to let go of Jo and needed the help of The Holy Spirit to show me how. I got into it, so I had to get myself out. Circumcise yourself, its part of the healing process to discipline what you allow to block your soul. Its time to cut it off.
For over 40 years I have suffered the infections of sexual abuse. Despite the donations of my workbooks to after-school programs, churches, counselling centers, rehab centers, etc. I had not paid attention to my healing journey. I assumed that a few counselling sessions, doing good and assisting others was enough for complete healing.
It is not until the last offense 6 months ago, which proved I was not where I thought I was. This thing rocked my existence and stole the strength I thought I had. How could I be going through this filth again? What was the purpose? I had no choice but to pay attention to where I was. In this wilderness season, I had to take the chance to look at myself and see what God allowed to work for my good, to reveal what I could not see. Had this not occurred, I would not have taken the time to really examine my post-abuse behaviors. These self-inflicted patterns of survival revealed it's time for me to change.
Prior to this, I moved forward but I did not acquire total healing; I had only scratched the surface. I had to address the compilation of offenses since 4 years old; I had to dig out and conquer them because my whole life, they had dealt with me. God opened the door through my job for me to attend outpatient sessions, when that did not work, He broke rules to get me into a place with more in-depth therapy. I didn't care who heard my pain during group because I was physically sick from holding it all in. I can't heal what I refuse to confront.
In this barren place, where family could not heal, friends could not understand, and I could not find all the answers myself, God allowed my eyes to be opened to see my places of vulnerability, my justifications of victimization, my bitterness that blocked real relationships, and bouts of procrastination that stumped my healing. This last offense proved I had to work harder at becoming whole on every level.
In therapy I learned to find my voice and maintain boundaries. I found the strength to let my no be NO! I stopped the co-dependence I had with Jo and disciplined myself to mature emotionally. I had to check my behavior in my brokenness and acknowledge those are the behaviors I had to strip off. I had to let go of the people (including family) who hindered my progression.
I was a good person but bitter because I was sexually abused since childhood, being marked for sexual abuse was my normal. I lived with depression because I was ridiculed in my attempts to heal. I was nice but angry because I never had a relationship with my father- our pain attacked each other. I smiled but died inside because I never had a healthy relationship with any man. I had to swallow my own medicine and pull out from the root my habits of existence.
Now the dirt is off my eyes to see I can't move into the "Promised Land" until I bury the old behaviors of surviving sexual abuse: I have to silence the complaints of bitterness in the wilderness, rebuke the spirit of rage in the desert, break off the chains of unforgiveness, and denounce the spirit of depression in the foggy places. I have to believe in the promises of God for myself and follow His lead for the best part of my life without settling. I have to learn how to get out of my own way so He can direct my paths.
Its not easy to turn the pains of abuse around and the cure will not take effect right away. Habits take time to break. What I know is when I consistently follow the path He mapped out for me to take, meditate on the power of His Word and speak those things until I see myself whole, that is when the harvest of my healing will be everlasting, and I can fully enjoy the blessings in the promised land He has waiting for me. So I tell you there is transformation in the wilderness; you are not alone if you allow God to lead you out of it.
Read the books of Exodus and Joshua
Transform in Your Wilderness With God & Crossover to What He Has Promised:
My final offense occurred in June 2018; it was the biggest betrayal I've ever faced. Not only was it a shock based on who the offender was but the lack of support from those who love me.
Initially, after the event, I didn't focus on myself, instead I dismissed my pain and catered to who was attached to the offender, as she was extremely close to me. By September of the same year, I was falling apart. Thankfully, I had a colleague who had discernment and committed to finding me the perfect resource after crying for 6 hours.
After a group session at the center, we chose to watch a movie I was extremely familiar with, "The Shack by William P. Young." There was a scene, where the character portraying God was inviting the victim's father to offer forgiveness. The honesty surrounding his unwillingness to forgive with such anger struck such a nerve with me; I ran straight to my dorm vomiting continuously. The thought of offering forgiveness made me sick; I was petrified He would ask the same of me.
Why after only 3 months after the offense, was I faced with forgiveness? Was this just a coincidence? I did not want to entertain this option at this time and luckily a counsellor had followed me back to the dorm and contacted another therapist who she felt was the perfect fit to help me.
Here are a few things I had to be honest about:
I equate forgiveness to the account of Peter walking on the water (Read Matthew 14:22-33), similar to another scene in 'The Shack.' If you think you can walk on water alone, think again. There are certain things you can only do through the strength and ability of God. Forgiveness is one of them when it comes to this type of pre-meditated abuse!
True forgiveness comes from a place where you are tired being handcuffed to offenses and dragging memories of betrayal. There comes a time when you are tired sitting at a delayed traffic light while watching everyone proceed to their destination. The epiphany comes when you accept the One changing the lights is God; follow His lead with the red, yellow, and green.
Forgiveness for me, at that time, had stipulations:
Did we ever hear Christ say, from the cross, "The soldier who pierced my side is the only one I will forgive since he acknowledged me as the Messiah."? No, He said forgive them for they know not what they do, which included all. One condition He stated in His word was, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:15,16
There is no time frame nor expiration date as to when forgiveness should transpire. You must be honest with yourself. Be open to the help God makes available to us, when His time is right; don't shut Him out. He is a gentleman and is willing to walk with us through the process. He knows this is difficult, yet He eases us into it if we allow Him.
In December of the same year, I came across the video below. I paid attention to the steps and decided to send this offender a text of forgiveness, I had peace. I was specific about what I forgave him for and the aftermath I suffered at his hand since he read my B.O.S.S workbook journal prior to his offense toward me, he knew of my struggles with healing.
I didn't need closure, nor an apology for me to move forward so I blocked him again after I sent the text. I simply needed God's guidance on which roads to take after His green light to move on. I wanted to be heard and to be free. I finally did it for me, this time without expectations. For the first time since this experience, I was able to exhale. Trusting God is not easy, yet hindsight always proves He has the best results when I submit to Him and His paths.
He taught me:
Life is not an episode on Oprah's couch where you hug it out and all is well. Spiritual and emotional healing takes time. Who is worth trusting at the time you are most confused, myself or God? When I stopped trying to figure it out and let God take the lead is when I had the most to gain! Trust God and Breathe freedom . . .
Please watch the video below for some steps to forgiveness when you are ready. It truly helped me
Sarah Montana brought it home for me on the steps towards real Forgiveness after trauma:
In January 2019 I was in a situation that took me by surprise in more ways than one. I went to visit someone and found the above-mentioned offender there, let's call him Sly. Immediately, my mood changed, and I found a myriad of emotions invading all at once. My heart was pounding, and I had to take my own advice to pause and breathe. The ironic thing is that I had just finished praying and fasting due to the redundant appearance of scriptures to offer forgiveness and mercy again.
In my mind, I kept asking God for wisdom, strength and what actions I need to take. I wanted to run, cry, but most of all be obedient to the leading of God. I had no gauge to let me know what I was ready for and in the act of trying to calm down, I made the attempt to have a private conversation with Sly. After the uncomfortable greeting, and the inability of him looking me in the eye, in the calmest tone I could muster I asked him, is there anything he wanted to say.
Sly: "What do you want me to say?"
Me: "It's not what I want you to say, I am trying to see how we can move forward, how
do we move from here?"
Sly: "I apologized already"
Me: "I am not asking for an apology; I want to give you an opportunity to say what is
on your mind"
Sly: "I put this behind me"
Me: "What??? YOU put this behind YOU???
Sly took that moment to lie about his actions and make excuses
Me: "You mean after 6 months you will find an excuse for what you did and lie?
Sly: "And you didn't lie?"
Me: "Lie??? Lie about what???"
Sly: Silence
Me: "Lie about what???" as I am approaching him
Sly: Silence
Me: "What am I lying about?"
At this time, I found Sly's shirt grabbed in my hand, and I let off about 3 punches to his face before an attempt to pull me off of him was made. Sly grabbed me by my neck and pulled back his fist and shouted, "Let her go!" I scratched, slapped, punched, and kicked until he released me.
I want you to be mindful that our offering forgiveness should not be one of positive expectation; it is extremely unpredictable and can go either way. If they refuse to acknowledge, take accountability, and ownership for their actions then you are likely to have a bad outcome. Also, if you choose to be in contact with the individual take notice of their consistent actions more than words with caution. Actions are the signs of true repentance.
In hindsight, this event happened so quickly; I found myself in an unplanned situation and had little time to settle and respond more appropriately. As mentioned, I did pray and fast yet most times when we think about offering forgiveness it is more than likely planned. My heart was willing, yet I lost it when he refused to be honest, take ownership and be accountable for what he's done.
I can count the number of physical fights I had in my life with 2 fingers. In the flesh you can say I had the right to fight for myself yet in the spirit, was my offer of mercy and forgiveness effective? The offer was not just for Sly; it was also for me. I had watched the video above of Sarah and felt I was ready, now come to find that fight came from a dormant place of rage . . . I am not out of the woods yet.
Although I was obedient and offered forgiveness it was rejected. At times, people do not want to face their wrongs. They may even resent you for bringing it up. So, I present this: forgiveness can simply be offered between you and God so we can be released from the heaviness the offence carries. Offer it to God until our hearts feel light. Don't make it a duty, but when it presents itself, planned or unplanned, get the green light from God. Wait for the balance of permission on timing and emotions; God's judgement is better and will confirm, if we let HIm, if it's to be offered in person or in prayer when you are ready.
Occasionally I pray for Sly's soul in hopes that he will face his demons and confess his sins to God because he seems tortured. Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28:13 NIV. When I saw him, I can tell he is not at peace. There was a sadness and heaviness about him. There is a deep, unresolved hurt he has no control of. I pray he finds the help he needs and seek forgiveness for himself. I have asked God to forgive me for attacking him and have asked God to forgive him for what he has done to me.
Has abuse left you feeling bitter? In hindsight I was and didn't know it. Sexual abuse took the life I once knew, my joy, my authentic smile, innocence, security in relationships, my perspective, etc. I was left with my shell, pretending to appear normal so I wouldn't offend those around me.
When pain is left untreated it has a way of forcing itself out. For years I bottled it and in seasons it presented itself in states of depression, anger, anxiety and even ailments. As early as 5 years old I can remember suffering from hyperhidrosis- excessive sweating due to an overactive nervous system. I remember being beaten in school, accused of not doing my work; it was done but when I got nervous, my book would be saturated, erasing the lead from the pencil with my sweat. In my 20's I've had 3 lipomas- fatty growths most often situated between the skin and under the muscle, benign tumors, the cause is unknown.
There are residual effects that must be dealt with to ensure that our total well- being is a priority. In order to treat the effects, we have to look at the cause. Sexual abuse was the root of the present issues I've been facing. It seems so unfair to still be facing effects of something that happened over 40 years ago but if I keep putting a band-aid on a gangrene toe, after a while the contamination will spread, and I may end up losing the whole leg. This was a contamination of my soul- the place that houses my thoughts, feelings and choices. Now the abuse has spread to my spirit and body.
When you ignore a disease does that mean it does not exist? Taking out half of a tumor does that stop it from growing? If you numb the pain with alcohol or drugs, it will remain when that wears off. If you sex it away, if you've climaxed, the pain still exists. So, handle your abuse! As it is with the body it is with the soul. What that looks like for you may be different to how I choose to heal: one-on-one or group sessions, inpatient, outpatient therapy, writing in a journal, do whatever it takes, as long as it takes to see yourself at your best, find your path.
What or who is feeding your soul?
We have to do a soul purging, let's make the necessary changes. It's time to cut back and cut off those things or people who do not respect your space to thoroughly heal. If we can allow 6 weeks to heal a broken leg, how much more for a broken soul? Designate the time to heal from the trauma that effect the way you think, feel and choose. Find your true self, don't just settle for the self who learned to survive.
Commit to placing your soul at ease until you are whole. Let's get to the root of our bitterness, anxiety, depression and bad attitudes, by getting the residuals out. The one to benefit most from your complete healing is you!
Let's pay close attention to the spirits and souls around us. No judgments, just examine the patterns of who we allow in our presence. Since we performed a self-examination in the above entry "Check Your Fruit" it's time to study the fruit of those around us.
Whether in covenant relationships/married or single, family or friends, who do we have in our inner circles? Do we pay attention to the theme of their speech? Are they negative, do they complain a lot, are they bitter or do they encourage? For the sake of this entry, I want to speak to singles as a prerequisite of who we allow to connect to our souls.
During this tender season of healing, spirits can either hinder or advance our progress. I have come to realize that my emotional immaturity has hindered my growth due to my choice of men. My picking was not strategically selective it was all about the way they made me feel. In the beginning, I simply joined myself to who had an interest in me, no filter was necessary, I was just grateful to be needed. As time moved on it was about the attraction.
Let's pause right here for a moment, in my reflection, I see that I was either attracted to narcissists or wounded men. My longest run was with narcissistic men. They portrayed such confidence; it was something I lacked. Being around them made me feel valued simply because to me, I was their choice. These men have a subtle way of turning our admiration of them, to us being promoted to President of their Fan Club. Without notice, the same admiration gradually became an obsession. Next thing you know, I too, am assigning the role of husband to this man when he had no intentions of filling out my application. Now here we have 'Hot Mess #1' in a relationship with 'Hot Mess #2.'
When their ego-stroking subsides, we become their target of insults. We start to wonder how could someone so grand spew such disdain for me, the one who loved, poured into and supported him? Check their fruit:
Be conscious of these signs because our healing will be drowned in relationships with the attributes of these mates. What time will we have for effective healing when we are taken up with the needs of a narcissist? (In retrospect, be mindful not to burden our mates with the pressures of our pain. If we choose to be in a relationship, practice balance.)
Now let's discuss the wounded men- the fixer uppers. There is no need to bullet the attributes of wounded men; it was like looking in a mirror. We know all about hurt. Isn't it funny that I would pour into someone what I should be pouring into myself? I would sacrifice to prove to them they are valued and would neglect myself to a fault. In the midst of it, I would see their worth and not mine. I would go to the ends of the earth to heal them and leave myself unattended.
So, what is the point? Is the fruit worth it for me to keep picking and digesting? Do the patterns and attributes in different mates, have the same spirit? Am I picking up other fruit when I am not ripe myself? Am I pulling out the weeds in their vineyards while my field is unkept? Stay focused, let's take the time to see what type of harvest comes out of our relationships. First, we should tend to our own crops and when we have good and steady fruit then we can see about being in the market.
When it's time to pick, make sure we first pick up the fruits of the spirit according to Galatians 5:22,23 AMP But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. It is better when I have what I am looking for before I demand it from others.
ROMANS 8:18
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